i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
