I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
