hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
