I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
