She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
