highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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