i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
