all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
