So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
