Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys