I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday