The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Pants are for mortals
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records