Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.