god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
