I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
