Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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