I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
