Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
