I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
