She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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