Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
