my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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