The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
