i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
