So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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