So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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