If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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