Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
