the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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