I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
