he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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