I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
