That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
