i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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