guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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