your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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