Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
