i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
