Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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