I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
