Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize