Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
