I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
