he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
