My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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