is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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