Will you blow on my dice?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
