shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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