so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
