Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Even the bartender felt bad for me
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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