You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
