mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
