You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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