You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
