$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Randomize
