im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
