I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
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I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
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There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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