why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
