You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
