I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
