i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
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you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
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I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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