dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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