i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
my poor anus
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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