when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
