I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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